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RANDOM STUFF.
Never, never ask Shane Collins “Does this make me look fat?”
Just don’t do it.
That is all.
JANINE
Saw my old (not) friend Janine today. She’s come down in the world since her BFF Monica kicked her to the curb like last week’s hoodie; in fact, I barely recognized her. She was working at the Sav-A-Lot bagging groceries, and it looked like she hadn’t bothered to take advantage of her employee discount for the shampoo and soap aisle, if you know what I mean. Ugh. I would have felt sorry for her, except that she spent most of her junior high and high school years holding Monica’s purses and kicking the crap out of anyone Monica sneered at.
Not surprised to see that Janine’s wearing a bracelet. Was surprised to see fang marks on her arm, though – lots of them. She had that hollow-eyed look, like she’d already died on the inside but her body hadn’t gotten the message yet. Vamp addicts. They’re the worst.
I got my groceries and got the hell out of there, fast.
JANINE, PART 2
I went back to the grocery store. Janine was working again – guess she works most days – and I hung around to say hello. I don’t know why I did it, I mean, I don’t even like her or anything, but she smiled at me this time, and it was this sad puppy kind of smile, full of the expectation that I was going to be the latest one to hurt her feelings.
So I pretended like I hadn’t seen the bite marks on her arm, and asked her how things were going. In the grand tradition of addicts everywhere, she lied. She was only working at the Sav-A-Lot until her new boyfriend got her the job she was waiting for at the bank, and besides, she was leaving town soon, going on vacation to Barbados with Monica.
As if Monica was going to fly off to a tropical paradise with a pale, raccoon-eyed, greasy-haired wreck who looked like the elastic on a bikini might shatter bones.
The thing was, Janine actually believed it. All of it. She kept on chattering about this fantasy life, and I felt this sick weight in my stomach and a squirmy desire to just walk away. Janine wasn’t just making it up, she was delusional. I guessed that was better than living in the real world, when her real world was a slice of hell, with demon frosting and vampire sprinkles.
I did the whole “Is that the time?” fluster, grabbed my plastic sack of stuff, and told her goodbye. I didn’t look into her eyes again, because I didn’t want to see the disappointment there, and the emptiness.
I guess she’s still working there. I haven’t seen her name pop up in the Obituaries yet. Haven’t seen her at the bank, either.
I don’t go to the Sav-A-Lot anymore, if I can help it. If I do, I go early, before her shift.
Does that make me a coward? Maybe. But I can’t stand to watch somebody I knew die by inches like that.
And there’s nothing I can do for her. Nothing.
Makes me want to stake whoever’s munching on her.
LAUNDRY
Nobody ever taught either one of my male housemates how to separate whites from colors in the laundry, apparently.
Serves Michael right, if his undies are pink. Besides, he’s a vampire. Who’s going to laugh?
Well, besides me, of course.
FASHION VICTIM
So, what do you think? Is it me? Yeah, I think it’s me.
I love these shoes, too, but one major problem: not even Charlie’s Angels could run in these things, and let’s face it, keeping your fleeing options open is a big deal around here.
I’m thinking maybe these. These look good for either kicking or making tracks.
Gives the phrase “I wouldn’t be caught dead in that” a whole new meaning, doesn’t it? Yeah. Welcome to frickin’ Morganville.
Oh, and also: Claire borrowed one of my shirts. She looked better in it than me.
This cannot happen. I love Claire, but no.
BEST DAY EVER
Just to prove it isn’t all gloom and despair around here, I found a beat-up ancient game at the thrift store just up the street from Common Grounds. Remember Hungry Hungry Hippos?
Yeah, I loved that game. I got Claire to play it with me, and before long, Shane parked his ass at the table, and then Michael, and we were whooping and screaming and our hippos were gobbling up marbles like mad. There’s no point to it, except to get all screamy and crazy.
Hence, it’s the Best. Game. EVAH.
We dragged out everything we could find today – Operation, only half the bones were missing from the poor patient. Monopoly, which Michael won in under three hours. Uno. Boggle, in which Claire kicked all our butts, big time.
Man, it was an incredibly good day.
Don’t get many days like that. I thought I should write it down.
I would never say this to the rest of the guys, but honestly, it was one of the happiest days of my entire life, and looking around that table at them, I thought -- I thought, this is my family.
And I loved them so much, I thought I'd cry. Yes, even Shane. Mostly.